Purge

Hello Loves,
Its been a very very long time but I am back. And I must say that I missed you. I can't wait to catch all of you up on what I have been doing since I was last here and I can't wait to see what you all have been doing while I was away. I must say it feels good to be home.

Lots of Love
*Oleander*

It is that time once again loves, time to introduce a new character, in the story that is my life.
He is fire (Boy Fire to be exact) and he is a flame to which I am undeniably drawn.
He isn't really my type, I barely find him physically attractive, but here I am still thinking about him days after our last encounter. I hear the words that he speaks to me over and over again in my head, and his scent is for ever blazed into my memory. I have been attracted to many but truly drawn to few, but it has always made sense before. There was always a reason, not the least of which was pure physical attraction, but not this time to be perfectly honest this isn't the guy that would normally inspire dirty thoughts, or even a second thought if I walked passed him on the street.
So why..., why him, why is it him that slips into my dreams at night?
I am utterly confused.
I can not explain it.
I have no idea why he has become my Boy Fire.
But what I do know is that Fire burns.

Well thanks for asking,

Since last I wrote a lot has happened, but I don't want to spend all my time talking about the past so I will give you the short list. Be sure that details will come as they are needed.
So with out further ado here they are...

The Top 10 things that happened while I was gone. (and as always in no particular order)

1. I found out that Quicksilver is pregnant
2. I made new friends
3. Lots of famous people died (although that's not really about me)
4. I acquired a new out look
5. I started dreaming about someone new
6. I let go of the Grinch (for good this time I think)
7. I finally got to quit my old job and start a new one
8. I lost some weight
9. I remembered the old me... the good and the bad
10. I freakin missed this place like crazy



Lots of Love
*Oleander*

Well loves I am back!!! And I must say that I have really missed you. Lots has happened since last I Purged some of it interesting some not so much. I feel like I have a million things to get out of my system and a million blogs to catch up on so stay tuned, and know that even though I have been away for so very long I haven't stopped thinking about you.



Lots of Love
*Oleander*

Oh My Freaking Gosh is that what I think it is.... (a very loud very long inner scream follows, inner because the last thing I want to do right now is draw attention to myself) yup I think it is, its a hair. A hair? But that cant be hairs don't grow there... no... no... NO..NO..NO.. maybe it was a shadow... look again, (looking again only this time squinting in hopes that, that helps what I saw not actually be there) Nope its really there. Its official.
What I don't understand is how can this be, I'm only in my twenties, nobody told me this could happen to you in your twenties. In all the books that I have read about being a fabulous girl in your twenties not one pointed out the fact that one day I would be looking in a mirror a see a hair in an a place that for twenty-some old years has been hair free. This is just too much.
I think I may go back to bed....

I have been so busy lately I have hardly had time to think but things will be back to normal very soon, and I will be back on track!

I don't know what is, maybe its the lack of sun light, or the cold weather, or maybe its this crazy time of year, but I feel constantly overwhelmed. I feel like I'm barely finishing one thing before the next thing needs to be done and my mind is a million miles away.
I long for bed and find that I rarely want to get out of it in the morning. That's not to say that I sleep once I'm there, because sleep for me is an elusive phantom, something that I can only remember, and seldom experience. And still, some days I wish I could just pull the covers up over my head and pretend its not the next day and I don't have to get up.
I have a constant feeling these days that I'm on the verge of a break down, a full on panic attack seems like its just waiting in the wings for me to show that my guard is down and then it to will overwhelm me and finally I will succumb to it all and I will just break. Break, Break... into thousands and thousands of little pieces that might never fit back together.
I feel some days like a zombie an empty shell who has just gotten through the day, but didn't really live in any of the moments.
But breaking like sleeping is not an option, for if the keystone crumbles the structure falls and all is not well, so for now I go on holding it together, with tape and gum a little bits of string and hope that no one tries to pull at my loose threads.

I have had many great friendships in my life thus far and as I have begun to look back on them I realize that a great friendship is like a great love affair. Like a great love affair you happen upon this person and the sparks fly you love love love them and you cant spend enough time together, you tell each other everything make plans for the future and think that it will be like this forever. And as time passes in both a great friendship and a love affair things change, you talk a little less quarrel a little more but still you're sure that you love them and they love you so in the end what else really matters.
But in a great love affair when things fall apart or when someone has broken the other beyond repair there is a clear place to end things, there is a line that when crossed the two part ways and the love becomes a story of their past. And indeed there are a few lines in friendship that work the same way, but they tend to be blurry and often ignored for the sake of saving a great friendship. But why...
I know that the reasons are many, big and small and are as varied as the friends themselves but when is it time to let go? Is it time to let go when we realize that we are better friends to them than they are to us? When a person becomes someone that you don't feel that you know anymore, is it then? Why is it that it is so hard to know when to let go, and when you do know how do you do it? Do you end it like your love affair?
They say that friends come into your life for a reason and some stay a moment some a season and some for a life time, but how do you know which is which? How do you know who to fight for and who to let go?
In the story of my life I have a friend, from this day forth this friend will be known as Quicksilver ( or unpredictable).
Quicksilver is a friend that I thought would be one of my forever friends, we were best friends and I thought that it would be that way forever but now I don't know more and more I feel like our relationship is one sided I do all the giving and she does all the taking and I just don't know that I have it in me to stay on this ride anymore.
Quicksilver used to be the girl that everyone loved, we hung out all the time from shutting down bars to watching movies. She was the life of the party and always the one you could count on if you needed a shoulder, but now she is the person that everyone asks if you have heard from, she doesn't answer phone calls or emails. She never wants to hang out and when she does she isn't really there. And it has all happened so fast I have had friendships that have tapered off in the past that eventually come to an end but this felt like it came out of nowhere one day she was my best friend and the next I barely know who she is, and I'm sad about it but I cant keep putting myself out there. And I'm so confused.
So that's the story so far...

Who was it I wonder that decided that the best revenge is living well? I mean do any of us really and truly believe that. Is it really enough for us to just live well or is it that the best revenge is living better than the other person? Who among us hasn't wanted to make sure that they looked their best when they know that they are going to see the one that broke their heart or the one that got away. And I my friends am no exception to the rule.
Once upon a time in a life now far far away there was a boy who broke my heart, from here on out he will be known as the Grinch because, well to me that's what he is.
This all comes up because there is a very big chance that I will be running into the Grinch at a party this weekend. Although I haven't seen him in a very long time and don't really think about him during the day for some reason he is often in my dreams most of the time the dreams are pg and there isn't much to them but he is there and that bothers me for so many reasons and none at all really. I would like to be able to say that I'm not stressed at all about the potential sighting of the Grinch but that would be a lie. The thought of it has taken on a life of its own and is slowly driving me crazy. Mostly because I am worried that he will spot me and I will not be on my game. I want to be the one that sees him coming I want to be the one that catches him of guard, and I want to be smoking hot when I do it. Is that to much to ask?

So I was wondering today when do you feel all grown up? Is it something that you just wake up an feel one day? Or does the feeling come once you have children? Do you just go from feeling young and invincible one day to old and and regretful the next? I have gone from my teens to my early twenties to my mid twenties with out the feeling that I have really grown up. I act as if I am a full fledged adult and I spend my time with other twentysomethings who too act as grownups act but it still feels like we are stuck in limbo sometimes in that place between your life as it was and your life as it will be. We own homes and pay bills but it doesn't feel real. Don't get me wrong I am in no hurry to feel older, its hard enough to see the candles on my cake multiply, but I just wonder when will I feel like ahh.. I'm a big girl now.