Purge

I have found that more and more I am driven by my emotions.
I am driven by the need to stuff them down inside of me. I feel like I spend my days choking on overwhelming feelings trying to force their way out.

It is that time once again loves, time to introduce a new character, in the story that is my life.
He is fire (Boy Fire to be exact) and he is a flame to which I am undeniably drawn.
He isn't really my type, I barely find him physically attractive, but here I am still thinking about him days after our last encounter. I hear the words that he speaks to me over and over again in my head, and his scent is for ever blazed into my memory. I have been attracted to many but truly drawn to few, but it has always made sense before. There was always a reason, not the least of which was pure physical attraction, but not this time to be perfectly honest this isn't the guy that would normally inspire dirty thoughts, or even a second thought if I walked passed him on the street.
So why..., why him, why is it him that slips into my dreams at night?
I am utterly confused.
I can not explain it.
I have no idea why he has become my Boy Fire.
But what I do know is that Fire burns.

How would you finish this sentence?


I am.....

Today (or at least right now) I would have to say
I am sleepy, I am confused, I am sad (for no reason in particular) I am annoyed, and I am ready for something new.

What about you?


Lots of Love
*Oleander*

So for those of you still following along at home, I found out during my hiatus that Quicksilver is pregnant. I don't know how far a long or anything like that since it wasn't even her that I heard the news from. As always my first instinct was to call her and see how things were going hoping that she would tell me she was sorry for the way things had been but she had huge news and was excited to share it with me, but I decided against it. I think this time I will wait for her, if she wants she can call me, I am so over being the one that works at this.
I am a little sad though, I always thought that when we got to the part in our lives that we were ready (as ready as you can be) for such things, that it would be something that we shared with each other. Doing all the fun and exciting things that women do with each other when one of them is expecting. I guess that isn't going to be our reality.
Such is life.


Lots of Love
*Oleander*

Dear S.O.,
I love you, but sometimes you irritate me so much I just want to jab my finger right into you eye.



Lots of Love
*Oleander*

Well loves I am back!!! And I must say that I have really missed you. Lots has happened since last I Purged some of it interesting some not so much. I feel like I have a million things to get out of my system and a million blogs to catch up on so stay tuned, and know that even though I have been away for so very long I haven't stopped thinking about you.



Lots of Love
*Oleander*

Oh My Freaking Gosh is that what I think it is.... (a very loud very long inner scream follows, inner because the last thing I want to do right now is draw attention to myself) yup I think it is, its a hair. A hair? But that cant be hairs don't grow there... no... no... NO..NO..NO.. maybe it was a shadow... look again, (looking again only this time squinting in hopes that, that helps what I saw not actually be there) Nope its really there. Its official.
What I don't understand is how can this be, I'm only in my twenties, nobody told me this could happen to you in your twenties. In all the books that I have read about being a fabulous girl in your twenties not one pointed out the fact that one day I would be looking in a mirror a see a hair in an a place that for twenty-some old years has been hair free. This is just too much.
I think I may go back to bed....

Well loves, here we go again, another year comes to a close. And its time to start thinking about the year that is passing and the year to come. For me this has been a crazy year full of ups and downs, and the moments that got lost in between. I find myself being glad that this year is over and filled with optimism that the year ahead will be better,much better.
I guess that's how this day makes everyone feel. I haven't come up with any resolutions for the year ahead but I'm sure that I will. Last year my resolution was to quit smoking and I did just that, it will one year tomorrow. If anyone has a resolution that they would like to share I would love to read it. I'm always curious about what people wish for themselves when there is a blank slate ahead of them and anything seems possible.
I wish for us all a safe and prosperous new year, I hope and pray that all of our dreams come true and that we lead the lives that we imagine ourselves living.

So here's to you and here's to me and our fabulous year ahead!

And if you plan on spending your night the way that I do remember, friends don't let friends drink and drive and they don't let them drink and screw ugly people.

Well another Holiday season has come to an end, and I my dear friends could not be happier.

I was flipping thought the channels the other night in a rare Christmasey mood which has been hard to come by, for some reason this season. And I really wanted to watch a great Christmas movie, none inperticular just one that might further my yuletide cheer and really get me in the mood. But there wasn't a single one on anywhere. I was shocked no Miracle on 34th street, no Grinch not even its a Wonderful Life. What is going on here? I remember when I was a little kid it seemed like we could watch a Christmas movie every night during the week before Christmas. It seems to me that in a time when so much is going wrong and so many are in times of turmoil that there might be a need for a little more Santa on the air, and maybe we can be reminded that it really is a Wonder Life.

I don't know what is, maybe its the lack of sun light, or the cold weather, or maybe its this crazy time of year, but I feel constantly overwhelmed. I feel like I'm barely finishing one thing before the next thing needs to be done and my mind is a million miles away.
I long for bed and find that I rarely want to get out of it in the morning. That's not to say that I sleep once I'm there, because sleep for me is an elusive phantom, something that I can only remember, and seldom experience. And still, some days I wish I could just pull the covers up over my head and pretend its not the next day and I don't have to get up.
I have a constant feeling these days that I'm on the verge of a break down, a full on panic attack seems like its just waiting in the wings for me to show that my guard is down and then it to will overwhelm me and finally I will succumb to it all and I will just break. Break, Break... into thousands and thousands of little pieces that might never fit back together.
I feel some days like a zombie an empty shell who has just gotten through the day, but didn't really live in any of the moments.
But breaking like sleeping is not an option, for if the keystone crumbles the structure falls and all is not well, so for now I go on holding it together, with tape and gum a little bits of string and hope that no one tries to pull at my loose threads.

I'm so sad I don't really know why I think its just this time of year I find it incredibly depressing, I feel like I just don't want to get out of bed. I feel tired ugh so tired. Maybe I need one of those artificial sunlight lamp things.

Its cold out and rainy and I hate this time of year, its the time of year where everyone pretends to be happy or at least happier than they really are. And you have to spend time with people that you normally don't see all year but now you have to go and see them and pretend that you are having a great time. The only honest thing that is happening, is going on in the cars on the way to their dreaded destinations, where people are coming up with code words to get the heck out of dodge with the shit starts to hit the fan, after all the eggnog is gone and people are starting to get a little more honest with each other. For me that never seems to happen I only get to hear about it from friends when we are all retelling our horror stories over drinks lucky bastards. The places I go are much more reserved refined and xanax filled, with lots of hugs and kisses and secret dirty looks. They would never dream of fighting openly but you better believe that they hate each other just as much, but fighting out in the open is undignified and they just cant have that.
I don't know why I'm so cynical today maybe its the weather, maybe... I don't know. Here's hopping that someone out there is in a better mood than me.

So lately there have been things I just cant get out of my head I'm not really sure why as far as some of them are concerned while others I know exactly why but either way here they are a few of them in no particular order.

1: The phrase you can never go home again
2: Ben Folds Five version of rain drops keep falling on my head
3: Fear that the economy will come crashing down and I will have to eat stuff out of a can
4: Why is it so hard to lose weight
5: That song who says you cant go home
6: I wonder if I have any new e-mail
7: Why do I keep dreaming about the same boy from high school
8: I wish I was stoned
9: What made him love her and not me
10: Will I ever be able to say I'm sorry
11: Will he ever believe that I'm sorry
12: What is that smell
13: Maybe today will be the day
14: I really wish I was stoned
15: When did it all change

I have always wanted to be apart of something bigger than myself to be apart of a collective where the needs and wants of the greater good a more important than that of the individual. To feel like I am more than just me. And as many times as I have tried this I never seem to get to that place, I can never seem to loose me, to let go of myself in the moment and really be apart of the things that are going on around me. If you were to see me from the outside you would think that I was lost in the moment just as the others around me but I'm not I am lost only in my head, thinking random thoughts, and trying to quiet an endless dialogue that flows through my head. This disconnection plagues me, in times that I should feel raw emotion I find myself thinking about my emotions instead of having them. I cry when I am sad and I laugh when I am happy but there isn't ever a time when I'm not thinking, thinking,thinking always thinking I long just to feel. I long to be apart of something bigger than myself, something full of emotion and I don't matter in that moment, something that moves me to not think but just feel.