Purge

Well thanks for asking,

Since last I wrote a lot has happened, but I don't want to spend all my time talking about the past so I will give you the short list. Be sure that details will come as they are needed.
So with out further ado here they are...

The Top 10 things that happened while I was gone. (and as always in no particular order)

1. I found out that Quicksilver is pregnant
2. I made new friends
3. Lots of famous people died (although that's not really about me)
4. I acquired a new out look
5. I started dreaming about someone new
6. I let go of the Grinch (for good this time I think)
7. I finally got to quit my old job and start a new one
8. I lost some weight
9. I remembered the old me... the good and the bad
10. I freakin missed this place like crazy



Lots of Love
*Oleander*

So here is the second installment of a few random things, the point once again is for you my awesome readers to get inside my head a little and have a better perspective about why I write and do the things I do. And as always they are in no particular order.

1. I get very nervous when people ask me personal questions
2. I am trying really hard to find a new job but its not working out for me, I don't really know why I have a great work record, its really making me bummed
3. I wash my hands like 10 or more times a day (the world is a dirty place)
4. I am very interested in the world around me
5. I love to argue a point, any point really
6. I love to drink, and I must say I am very good at it
7. Sometimes I wish that everything was different
8. I cry a lot at movies but hardly ever any other time I don't know why that is
9. I love sweets
10. I wonder if you can ever really go home again
Well I guess that's all for now...

Its cold out and rainy and I hate this time of year, its the time of year where everyone pretends to be happy or at least happier than they really are. And you have to spend time with people that you normally don't see all year but now you have to go and see them and pretend that you are having a great time. The only honest thing that is happening, is going on in the cars on the way to their dreaded destinations, where people are coming up with code words to get the heck out of dodge with the shit starts to hit the fan, after all the eggnog is gone and people are starting to get a little more honest with each other. For me that never seems to happen I only get to hear about it from friends when we are all retelling our horror stories over drinks lucky bastards. The places I go are much more reserved refined and xanax filled, with lots of hugs and kisses and secret dirty looks. They would never dream of fighting openly but you better believe that they hate each other just as much, but fighting out in the open is undignified and they just cant have that.
I don't know why I'm so cynical today maybe its the weather, maybe... I don't know. Here's hopping that someone out there is in a better mood than me.

I was thinking last night as I tried to fall asleep that maybe I should share a few random facts about me with those of you out there in the blogospehere. So here they are and as always in no particular order.
1: My thoughts never go from point a to point b, which tends to confuse and sometimes anger and annoy those around me
2: When I was little I talked really fast I still sometimes do
3: Dirty things make me itch even if they are just on tv
4: I wish I were tall
5: I am the worst speller ever
6: I like being hit on it gives me a little boost
7: I wish I were more of a risk taker
8: I tend to say yes more than I should
9: I have an irrational fear that people are talking about me
10: I sometimes cry myself to sleep
That's all for now...

Who am I... I often wonder if anyone can truly answer that question honestly, even when they are the only ones who will hear the answer. Is it just that the question is to complex to answer, or is it that we don't truly know ourselves or in the end is it that we spend so much time being so many things to so many different people that we never really get the chance to know the answer. I myself have played many roles and worn many hats. I have been a daughter but never a mother, a friend and often an accomplice, a fiance but never a wife, a lover and a secret. A savior and a downfall. Some have said I wear my heart on my sleeve while others have said I must not have one. I have been known to give in to soon but also to fight to hard. I pretend to live my life like an open book yet if people would pay closer attention they would realize they know nothing about me at all. I have been called the greatest thing to happen to some and the worse to others. I take to little time to forgive and to much to forget. And someone once told me that I was like a tornado you never really see it coming until it hits you and even though you know it will leave chaos and destruction when it leaves, every thing seems alright when your in the eye of the storm.
In the end I feel my question will never really be answered, maybe because I feel like if it is I will be stuck, I will have to be me. No longer playing roles or wearing hats, just being the me that I have decided was the real and true me. Or maybe because I don't really want to know, maybe the fun is in the exploration of the unknown.

So this is life... this is a question I often ask myself. Always knowing that the answer will be yes but all the same still asking over and over, hoping one day the answer will be different, hoping this time the answer will be no... this isn't life this is a dream and when you wake up all the wrong things that you have done and all the mistakes that you have made will no longer chase you in your dreams, because how could they this has all been a dream a wild crazy dream.
And so I will continue to ask myself the question, each time bracing myself for the answer, deep down hoping that it will be different this time. And in the time in between then and now I will purge my mind, my heart my soul. My past and my present. I will purge my thoughts, lay them here bare and raw and hope that freeing them will keep me from drowning from inside. I hope that letting them go keeps them from swirling around in my head although, part of me worries that letting them go will cause the noise in my head to stop and I will no longer be able to drown out the sound of myself screaming.
I guess I wont know until its all said and done.
So here I am and this is my purge....