Purge

So lately there have been things I just cant get out of my head I'm not really sure why as far as some of them are concerned while others I know exactly why but either way here they are a few of them in no particular order.

1: The phrase you can never go home again
2: Ben Folds Five version of rain drops keep falling on my head
3: Fear that the economy will come crashing down and I will have to eat stuff out of a can
4: Why is it so hard to lose weight
5: That song who says you cant go home
6: I wonder if I have any new e-mail
7: Why do I keep dreaming about the same boy from high school
8: I wish I was stoned
9: What made him love her and not me
10: Will I ever be able to say I'm sorry
11: Will he ever believe that I'm sorry
12: What is that smell
13: Maybe today will be the day
14: I really wish I was stoned
15: When did it all change

"Death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed lives are changed".

I have always wanted to be apart of something bigger than myself to be apart of a collective where the needs and wants of the greater good a more important than that of the individual. To feel like I am more than just me. And as many times as I have tried this I never seem to get to that place, I can never seem to loose me, to let go of myself in the moment and really be apart of the things that are going on around me. If you were to see me from the outside you would think that I was lost in the moment just as the others around me but I'm not I am lost only in my head, thinking random thoughts, and trying to quiet an endless dialogue that flows through my head. This disconnection plagues me, in times that I should feel raw emotion I find myself thinking about my emotions instead of having them. I cry when I am sad and I laugh when I am happy but there isn't ever a time when I'm not thinking, thinking,thinking always thinking I long just to feel. I long to be apart of something bigger than myself, something full of emotion and I don't matter in that moment, something that moves me to not think but just feel.

So I was wondering today when do you feel all grown up? Is it something that you just wake up an feel one day? Or does the feeling come once you have children? Do you just go from feeling young and invincible one day to old and and regretful the next? I have gone from my teens to my early twenties to my mid twenties with out the feeling that I have really grown up. I act as if I am a full fledged adult and I spend my time with other twentysomethings who too act as grownups act but it still feels like we are stuck in limbo sometimes in that place between your life as it was and your life as it will be. We own homes and pay bills but it doesn't feel real. Don't get me wrong I am in no hurry to feel older, its hard enough to see the candles on my cake multiply, but I just wonder when will I feel like ahh.. I'm a big girl now.

"Life is a long period of boredom separated by periods of panic".

Who am I... I often wonder if anyone can truly answer that question honestly, even when they are the only ones who will hear the answer. Is it just that the question is to complex to answer, or is it that we don't truly know ourselves or in the end is it that we spend so much time being so many things to so many different people that we never really get the chance to know the answer. I myself have played many roles and worn many hats. I have been a daughter but never a mother, a friend and often an accomplice, a fiance but never a wife, a lover and a secret. A savior and a downfall. Some have said I wear my heart on my sleeve while others have said I must not have one. I have been known to give in to soon but also to fight to hard. I pretend to live my life like an open book yet if people would pay closer attention they would realize they know nothing about me at all. I have been called the greatest thing to happen to some and the worse to others. I take to little time to forgive and to much to forget. And someone once told me that I was like a tornado you never really see it coming until it hits you and even though you know it will leave chaos and destruction when it leaves, every thing seems alright when your in the eye of the storm.
In the end I feel my question will never really be answered, maybe because I feel like if it is I will be stuck, I will have to be me. No longer playing roles or wearing hats, just being the me that I have decided was the real and true me. Or maybe because I don't really want to know, maybe the fun is in the exploration of the unknown.

So this is life... this is a question I often ask myself. Always knowing that the answer will be yes but all the same still asking over and over, hoping one day the answer will be different, hoping this time the answer will be no... this isn't life this is a dream and when you wake up all the wrong things that you have done and all the mistakes that you have made will no longer chase you in your dreams, because how could they this has all been a dream a wild crazy dream.
And so I will continue to ask myself the question, each time bracing myself for the answer, deep down hoping that it will be different this time. And in the time in between then and now I will purge my mind, my heart my soul. My past and my present. I will purge my thoughts, lay them here bare and raw and hope that freeing them will keep me from drowning from inside. I hope that letting them go keeps them from swirling around in my head although, part of me worries that letting them go will cause the noise in my head to stop and I will no longer be able to drown out the sound of myself screaming.
I guess I wont know until its all said and done.
So here I am and this is my purge....

to rid of whatever is impure or undesirable; cleanse; purify.
to clear of imputed guilt or ritual uncleanliness.
to clear away or wipe out by atonement
to become cleansed or purified.


This is my wish... This is my prayer